In recent months, three new competing flagship smartphones have come out from the industry’s major players – Apple, Samsung and Google – so I thought that, this week, I would review each of these phones in a Smartphone Showdown to help those readers who are, like many people at this time of year, in the market for a new phone but having trouble deciding which one to buy.

The latest and greatest Apple offering is of course the new iPhone 7, (which you can super-size if you want – or, rather, you can “plus-size” it), the new Samsung Galaxy Note 7 and the Google Pixel Phone, which that tech giant unveiled on Oct. 4.

So, without any further to do, let’s get to it …


Apple iPhone 7

The iPhone 7 boasts the new lightening-fast A 10 Fusion processor and a brilliant retina HD display (your choice of 4.7 inches or 5.5 inches). Both versions of the phone are extremely lightweight, with the 4.7-inch model coming in at just under 4.5 ounces.

Now, the iPhone 7 has many phone fans asking, “Why-oh-why did Apple get rid of the headphone jack?” but a better question, as Apple points out, is why all these out-of-date behind-the-times users are so stuck in their old-timey ways of the past, and why, rather than enjoy the convenience and benefits of cutting-edge wireless technology, they feel so married to their precious headphones that they no doubt keep them next their muskets and beaver skin hats and never load up the buggy without them.

The whines of these ingrates, who should instead be thankful for what they get from Apple rather than complaining about what they didn‘t get, are totally senseless: Apple has more than made up for that “lack” of a headphone jack with its new wireless “AirPods,” small devices that go in each ear and are connected to nothing but air.

Of course, it is true that these small AirPods, being unattached to anything, are very easy to lose, as many have complained. However, there’s a simple solution that all the Debbie Downers and Frank Frenzies should think about before they drone on and on about this.   Users can avoid the problem of losing their AirPods by buying a new special cord that ingeniously tethers the earpieces to each other and connects them to the iPhone anytime the AirPods are in use – so users now don’t have to worry about losing them.

So please stop your whining if you are one of these people.

The new iPhone also, of course, features Siri, which in my tests understands perfectly everything you say and always provides you with the exact answer you are looking for. For instance, when I asked it, “Siri, what is 2 plus 2?” Siri shot back with the answer “4,” and when I asked, “Siri what is 5 minus 3?” it gave me the correct answer as well, giving Siri 100 percent accuracy in my tests. (I didn’t try other types of questions but I feel confident that it works perfectly for every type since math is about the hardest thing out there.)


Samsung Galaxy Note 7

The Samsung Note 7 is a beautiful phone that is made with Corning Gorilla Glass, comes with a handy stylus and is water resistant up to a depth of 1.5 meters.

This phone is the clear winner on price by a long shot. Whereas an unlocked 128GB iPhone 7 will set you back $749 ($849 for the plus model), the other day I was able to pick up a brand new Note 7 for $15 from a guy selling them off the back of a pickup truck. He had tons of them and I’ve seen similar pricing for the phone online, so you should also be able to pick one up at around that same price.

For the purposes of this review, I tried several different models of the Note 7 on different carriers. All versions of the phone come with Samsung Pay and with the latest operating system – Android Nougat. A couple of drawbacks that I found for the Note 7 are that sometimes reception was spotty, making it difficult to hear what people were saying, and at other times the phone tended to explode into a horrific giant deadly fireball that would kill anybody in the room.

On the plus side, it is the only one of the three competing phones that can be used to light a cigarette, start a campfire or blast debris out of the way after a coal mine collapse. To access this undocumented feature, just start running three apps at once and then take cover, and Voila! – you’ve got a roaring campfire or a clear pathway to safety.

As elegant and fast as this phone is, I feel that some buyers may be kept away by the fact that it may at any second kill them, their friends and their family; however, for those who like living on the edge, one nice perk is that Samsung is now sending all Note 7 buyers a free fireproof box and free set of protective handling gloves.

The Note 7 has a very sleek design – well, at least it does before it explodes. Afterwards, not so much. (Then it is more a smoldering mangled hunk of metal.)

So, in summary, the Samsung Note 7 is the hottest smartphone out there – literally. I mean, it is hot. I mean, it is a blast to use. It is truly the bomb. Or maybe I should say, it is a bomb.


Google Pixel

Of course, the biggest feature of this phone isn’t how it’s made or what’s inside, but the way it leverages Google’s knowledge of you, your data and your activities to provide you with services.   As you know, Google constantly searches your Gmail for key words, tracks your location and mines your personal information to do things like send you reminders that you have a party to go to in an hour and, based on traffic conditions, your current location and your driving habits, you need to leave your house in 22 minutes or whatever.

The Google Pixel phone is also always listening, and, If you ever lose any of your information or forget what you told someone, you can find out what you said or what you wrote by filing a Freedom of Information Act request with the NSA where everything is kept on file in your permanent record.

The Google Pixel ramps these services up a notch by also using the information Google has compiled on other people. For instance, the Pixel will send you an alert if your girlfriend purchases a pregnancy test at Target. And if you’re worried about her cheating on you, the phone can also let you know if she comes within, say, 2.5 miles of her ex-boyfriend. Google is rolling out this phone at the same time it is launching its new “Privacy Schmivacy” ad campaign.

So, which phone should you buy? What’s the final word of the showdown. Well, obviously it depends on your needs but here are some things to keep in mind.

Note 7. Pros: Nice design, great camera. Cons: Tends to explode and kill you and those around you.

Who should buy it: Pyromaniacs, munitions experts, West Virginia coal miners, people looking to commit suicide but still have their family collect the insurance money.

Pixel Phone. Pros: It knows everything about you. Cons: Very creepy.

Who should buy it? People in unhappy marriages. Control freaks. Good Christians with nothing to hide.

But the winner is

The iPhone 7. Pros: retina screen, solid battery life; Siri is perfect; friends and family members don’t die when you use it and it will not bring down an aircraft.

Cons: The fine print of the iOS software licensing agreement includes a clause that gives Apple the rights to your children’s souls as well as 30 percent of any vegetables grown in your backyard garden.

But here’s the most important reason to buy the iPhone 7: Apple knows that you bought it. And, in the near and inevitable future when the increasingly powerful Apple has replaced the US government as the chief governing body for this country (and many other countries as well), Apple will remember very well who was loyal to them when there was a choice of which phone to use .

I assure you, Apple is watching everything closely right now to see who is friend and who is foe, and, if you know what’s good for you and your children, you will go straight to an Apple store and buy and iPhone now whether you need a new phone or not. (By the way, the true loyalty test also includes you owning an iPad, iPod, and Apple TV and a MacBook as well as a subscription to Apple music.)

I don’t know about you, but I, for one, certainly whole-heartedly welcome the coming dominion of our beloved Apple overlords, and I frankly am dismayed at those who go against this wonderful and beneficent company and purchase an Android phone.

So, who should by this phone? People who want to be in positions of power rather than in slave labor work camps in the coming glorious new Apple Era of our history.

So that’s my pick – the near perfect … uh, I mean perfect iPhone 7. Thank you, Apple, for all you do for us! Thank you, oh supreme company! The headphone jack is dead! Long live Apple!