Recently, there’s been a rash of UFO sightings nationally and a huge upswing of sightings in North Carolina. Until now, most of the encounters in this state have been in the highlands just northeast of Asheville where the phenomena known as “the Brown Mountain Lights” is prevalent.
However, it is now clearly only a matter of time before the aliens stop flying around in the middle of the night and decide to land and make themselves known in broad daylight. Because of that incontrovertible fact, I thought it made sense to take a trip forward in time to the time when there is an alien landing in downtown Greensboro so we could see the reaction of the various news outlets and commentators in our fine community …
So, let’s cut to the future – Wednesday, August 29, 2018 – when, amazingly, the first alien craft ever has landed in Greensboro’s Center City Park, causing worldwide panic and awe. At the point we pick up the story, the green-skinned alien creatures have been spotted in the spaceship, but they haven’t said anything or communicated with anyone in any way.
We can’t know everything about the event and how it will play out until it happens a few months from now, but we can go ahead and take a look at how the various news outlets and outspoken players in the community will address this monumental historic landing …
News 2 Anchor Ben Briscoe: This is News 2 anchor Ben Brisco reporting live on one of the most historic events in the history of mankind. For the first time ever, a large alien spacecraft has landed and made itself publicly known. At 5:03 p.m. today, just as many workers were leaving their office buildings in downtown Greensboro, the ship descended as hundreds watched on. Little green men with antenna have been spotted peering out of the spacecraft briefly – but there’s been no communication with the aliens as of yet. We go now to News 2 Reporter Jessica Mensch, who’s standing by at Center City Park.
Mensch: Yes, Ben, this alien landing has concerned citizens asking the question: An alien landing – could it happen here in the Triad?
Brisco: Uh, Jessica, let me interrupt you. I can see from the image behind you that an alien landing has already happened, so I don’t think you need to ask, “Could it happen here in the Triad?”
Mensch: Whenever anything big like this happens in the world, I believe we’re supposed to name the event and follow that with, “Could it happen here in the Triad?”
Brisco: Well, that’s true, but usually it’s something that has happened somewhere else. Since it actually did happen here, I think we can skip that part.
Mensch: OK, well … We have some suggested tips on what local residents should and should not do if they encounter an alien. This is very important. If you see an alien, don’t shout or whistle loudly at them and, also, never try to feed or pet them.
Brisco: Isn’t that from your report yesterday on how to act when you visit the North Carolina Zoo?
Mensch: Yes, unfortunately, since there are no experts on aliens yet, we’ve had to go back to our trusted experts in other fields. Also, experts say, if the alien begins chasing you while you’re driving in a snowstorm, remember that, if you lose control and go into a slide, turn the wheel into the slide.
Brisco: Yeah, I’m not sure that’s going to be relevant in this 95-degree August weather. And speaking of the weather, here’s everyone’s favorite weatherman, Eric Chilton, with your latest forecast.
Chilton: Well, aliens won’t be the only thing dropping out of the sky this week: There’s an 80 percent chance that quite a few raindrops will be doing the same thing in the coming days …
The Reverend Nelson Johnson of the Beloved Community Center. (Speaking in front of the nearby Greensboro International Civil Rights Center & Museum) …
“These aliens have come from billions of miles away, and, though they could have landed anywhere, they have chosen an area of downtown surrounded by predominately white-owned businesses. While they have not said one word yet, I think that action itself speaks louder than words. It’s clear already we can expect the same type of racial bias from these aliens today that we saw from white oligarchs in Selma decades ago.
Why did they land in a predominately white part of town? And why is their spaceship almost entirely white? I think we can presume the answer, and it’s not a pretty one: While the color of their skin is green, their mindset is as white as snow.
For years, they have clearly been checking out Brown Mountain – but did they want to land there? Oh no! They probably thought the name meant that people of color lived there and they passed it over.
If they must land in downtown Greensboro for some reason, could they not have shown the racial sensitivity to land in front of the civil rights museum, which would have given that landmark some much needed publicity. I say to you today, we do not welcome racist visitors whether they come from Andover or from Andromeda!
None of this should surprise us. If you look at the past news reports – well-documented in publications such as the Weekly World News and The Sun – it is, overwhelmingly, Caucasian people that these aliens have been interested in probing and, to boot, it is usually people from the Ozark backwoods – where, I remind you, racism is known to thrive. It is a very, very rare UFO incident indeed when people of color are taken and anally probed.
And, I ask you, did the Greensboro police stop these green-skinned creatures from landing in an area where parking vehicles is clearly not allowed? Have the police drawn weapons on them and wrestled them to the ground? No! Absolutely they have not. If these visitors had black skin instead of green skin, I can assure you they would have been treated in a much less accommodating manner …”
John Hammer. Editor, Rhino Times. As Rhino Times readers are no doubt aware, Wednesday, one of the world’s most historic events took place when aliens from another galaxy landed their space ship in Greensboro in the downtown. This is the latest bit of absolutely crystal clear evidence of the fantastic job that our greatly underappreciated President Donald Trump is doing.
Only now, in this time of economic prosperity – brought about solely by Trump’s economic policies and his brilliant political leadership – have the aliens decided to visit and reveal themselves. Never once under eight years of the Obama administration did these aliens land on our planet.
No, they waited until Trump was elected and had time to implement his policies. It would be hard to argue that this is a coincidence.
As for whether the alien landing is a good thing or a bad thing, only time will tell. They may offer us cures for diseases and unimaginable new advancements, or they could wipe out most life on the planet or enslave the survivors. If, in the end, that does happen, it wouldn’t be hard to see why: The aliens must be well aware of how much eight years of the Obama administration has severely weakened the country’s military and its ability to defend itself.
The News & Record. (In a blurb in the lower right corner of A1.)
Dear Readers: About an hour before we went to press, an alien spacecraft, for the first time in history, descended to earth and made itself known. At an editorial board meeting held by the News & Record, we had to decide whether to cover the alien landing or go to press with the story we had already prepared. Given our new 6 p.m. news deadline, including the story on the alien landing would have meant that some readers in outlying areas would have received their papers late. It would have also required paying overtime wages to one of our reporters.
Due to those concerns, we made an editorial decision to go with the planned story you see here on the front page: “The Impact of Duke Energy’s Coal Ash Spills on Rockingham County Apple Farmers.” We will have more on the most important event in the history of the world in the paper in the following days and we will answer some of the most pressing questions this incident raises such as, “Will the aliens provide technology that will help us clean up coal ash spills?” and “How will this affect Rockingham County?”
Guilford County Economic Development Alliance Officials Brent Christensen and Loren Hill. (In a prepared joint statement). We are delighted that the aliens have chosen the always accommodating Guilford County area over everywhere else in the world to land. It is no surprise to us that the aliens chose this county since it has an excellent highway system, great weather and a well trained work force. We also think our 800-acre airport megasite with runway access will be an excellent site for them to operate from as they attempt to help and/or enslave us.
We are meeting with the county commissioners and city councils to discuss offering an incentives package to get the aliens to land here. Though they are already here, they could easily fly their ship to Greenville, South Carolina, and take all this attention there if we don’t give them a reason to stay.
High Point Mayor Jay Wagner: Yet again, we see that High Point is the red-headed stepchild of Guilford County – even when it comes to something as arcane as alien landings. If these aliens had consulted in private with the City of High Point before making their decision to land, we could have worked with them to provide the type of welcome and fanfare this event deserves.
The perfect landing time would have been 6 p.m. Saturday, May 18, 2019, with our grand opening of the new downtown High Point baseball stadium. They could have landed in center field and one of the creatures could have even thrown out the opening pitch. But could these clearly Greensboro-centric aliens do that? Could they wait and take part in what would have been an absolutely perfect joint stadium opening/alien landing announcement? No, they could not. We in High Point blame the Guilford County commissioners.
High Point University President Nido Qubein. We are proud to announce that, in light of current events, High Point University plans to purchase the alien spacecraft and put it on display in front of our planned new – oh this is so exciting! – $23 million High Point University Alien Studies Building. High Point University is very proud to become the first university in the country to establish an Alien Studies Program.
The Summerfield Town Council. The six-person council split right down the middle on what should be done. Three of the town councilmembers argued that Summerfield should offer to house the aliens during their visit to our planet while three other councilmembers made a motion to “blow them to smithereens.”
The ensuing argument broke out into a wild fistfight at the Summerfield Community Center and several Cub Scouts who were supposed to be honored that night for earning their Good Citizenship badges were injured during the melee.