The federally approved plan involves releasing bio-engineered, infertile male mosquitoes to control Florida’s population. When GM [genetically modified] males mate with wild females, their offspring die before reaching adulthood.
– Miami Herald, Aug. 30, 2016
This week, there’s simply soooooo much going on that I have to write one of those columns where I talk about a whole lot of different things rather than one thing in particular. It’s not really up to me – it’s not my fault that things are just in a complete whirl right now.
One of the things that just happened, for instance, is that Democratic former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner – sex scandal magnet extraordinaire – has now had yet another sex scandal. And this is terrible for just about everybody. You know, it’s terrible for Mr. Weiner (his real name) and it’s terrible for his family.
But it’s not terrible for quite everyone.
For instance, me. Here’s why: It just hit me that, since he’s going to go away from the public view now and fade into obscurity, he won’t be needing the name “Carlos Danger” anymore. And, whatever you think about him, you have to admit that that is like the coolest name in the world and it may very well even be the coolest name of all time.
I really, really like that name and, like I said, he won’t need it anymore – therefore, from now on, I’m going to take the name Carlos Danger for myself, so that’s my name; don’t wear it out.
You have to admit that, despite Weiner’s obvious failings, anyone who can come up with a fantastic name like that can’t be all bad – even if he did send illicit sex texts with his 4-year-old napping in the background …
Now, another big news item sweeping the country is the Zika virus. People complain a lot about the government (especially this year!) but I’d like to point out that it is in fact the much-maligned government that has come up with a terrific plan to fight the Zika virus in Florida. They are hiring a biotech company that makes genetically modified mosquitoes and releasing hoards of them into the wild so they’ll mate with normal mosquitos.
I think that’s a great idea. The thing I like best about it is that nothing could possibly go wrong with a plan like that. It’s what they call “failsafe.” I mean, there’s simply no downside. With a plan like that nothing could go wrong – well, you know, other than the inadvertent creation of giant mutant mosquitoes with 10-foot wingspans that form into massive killer flocks of flying bloodsucking monsters. But other than filling the skies with those demon spawn offspring, I really don’t think there’s anything else to worry about.
Maybe they could bring in some of the same Japanese scientists that worked on the project in Japan that brought us Godzilla. I just feel like those guys could really help out with this plan.
In fact, come to think of it, I would venture that, with many current problems, not just Zika, the best solution is almost always to release genetically modified mosquitoes. Like, take one example, the parking problem in downtown Greensboro. I think you could solve that problem as well by releasing hordes of genetically modified mosquitos.
Just think how much better the parking in downtown would be if the skies were constantly full of giant mutant blood-sucking insects.
Listen, the plan to release genetically modified mosquitos to fight a mosquito problem is such a typical government answer: “We a have a mosquito problem, what should we do about it? By George, I’ve got it. Let’s release more mosquitos! I know it sounds crazy – but it could be so crazy it just might work!”
No, it’s not so crazy that it just might work – it’s just flat out crazy.
Speaking of utter insanity among world governments, recently France has been cracking down on burkinis – the burka-like beachwear that cover Muslim women from head to toe when they go to the beach.
The name burkini comes of course from a combination of burka and bikini. In the summer of 1946, Louis Reard, a French engineer, came up with the idea for the bikini after he realized that women were rolling up the edges of their bathing suits to get better tans – so, he said, I can help you with that, and the world has ever since been in Reard’s debt. They named the bathing suit “bikini” because Bikini was the name of the island where they set off the atomic bombs.
After that, things were great for 70 years, but lately Cannes and other coastal towns in France have been outlawing the burkinis. Recently, some beach towns had armed police handing out citations to women on the beach who were wearing the dark full-body garb. Now the matter is working its way up to the French supreme court.
So my point is this. In the1900s, a woman at the beach was required by law to cover up every inch of her body, and if she went out scantily clad she could go to jail. And now, 100 years later, it’s against the law to completely cover up on the beach. So, in other words, the world has now officially come 360 degrees. Do you not see how crazy that is?
The funny thing is, I think, that this is one problem that could be totally fixed. I mean, really, you’ve got to ask yourself: Why would anyone want to wear a long-sleeved full-body garment at the beach anyway?
I think this is one of those things that is really just a communication issue, one that came from a misunderstanding, and one that, therefore, can be solved easily as soon as the confusion is cleared up. What I think happened is that some Muslim women were trying on bikinis in the beach store in France a while back, and one of them found this big heavy burkini on the rack and came out of the dressing room wearing it and asked her girlfriends what they thought.
She probably asked her friends, “How does this look on me?” and her friends were all saying, “Oh, you look really hot in that,” and what they were saying was that she looked like she was really hot, as in uncomfortable due to the heat, but what she thought they were saying was that she looked hot in it, as in attractive. Like it was really flattering on her.
I feel certain something like that happened and then, no doubt, other women saw her on the beach and thought it was a new trend and in no time a bunch of them were all covered up as well. And I’ll bet that once you clear up all that confusion the whole problem will be solved and the supreme court judges in France will finally be able to get a much needed summer vacation.
Recently, the Guilford County Board of Commissioners held a work session to hear three proposals from three different healthcare providers who were competing to win a lucrative county contract for clinical services for the county’s 2,400 employees. The competitors came in the room one after another and made their pitch.
There were a lot of questions asked, but, during the third presentation, by Cone Health, Commissioner Carolyn Coleman asked the question that had gone unasked but that no doubt all of the commissioners were wondering.
“How many massages will we get?” Coleman asked.
The woman making that presentation laughed like the other people in the room, but I’ll bet she probably went up to Coleman afterward and whispered, “Just so you know, if we get this giant county contract, you’ll get as many massages as you want.”
Well, you knew it had to happen. You just knew it. As if the people who made The Ring didn’t scare the holy tar out of me enough in 2002, now they are making a sequel that will be out this October. The rule in the Ring movie is that, once you’ve watched the scary videotape, your phone rings and, after that, you have to get someone else to watch the tape within one week or the creepy frizzy-haired girl will crawl out of the well and kill you.
Now the first Ring was unsettling enough as it is, but I’m really worried about what will happen now in 2016 to the people who watch the cursed videotape.
I’ll bet the people in the new movie will be telling the creepy little girl, “Listen, I’m trying to get someone to watch the tape so you’ll kill them instead of me! I’m trying like crazy. But you’ve got to work with me! It’s 2016, for goodness’ sakes! You can’t just simply hand someone a videotape anymore and expect them to watch it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a VCR? Could you not have had a streaming version or maybe burned it to DVD at least? I know it’s hard for you to keep up, living at the bottom of a well and all, but come on!
Well, just remember, if anyone hands you a videotape next month and insists that you simply must watch it, don’t!
No matter how good they say it is.
Anyway, that’s it for this week – I’ve got a Labor Day cookout to catch. So, until next week, this is Carlos Danger signing off …