Well, if Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year because you get a lot of presents, the most dreaded time of the year is Valentine’s Day for one big reason: A lot of guys out there don’t have a Valentine to call their own and this day will only emphasize how alone they are.
But the good news is that I’m here to help: Trust me, it’s not too late to find a date for Valentine’s Day. All you need is a little creativity. In fact, here are plenty of ways to meet the woman of your dreams by Feb. 14. Time is getting short, however, so let’s get right to it …
Use public records laws to find love.
Here’s the thing. There are more women in prison and jail these days than ever and the good news is that their release dates are public information. You can also find out how of long those women have been in jail and you can even do a public records search for a mug shot to see how good-looking they are.
(I should caution you to not write someone off just because of a bad mug shot – the police don’t let them put makeup on for a mug shot and sometimes there may be other unflattering circumstances like they might be coming off a three-day drug binge and covered in blood, which is a hard look to pull off for anyone no matter how attractive you are.)
But just think about all those eligible women who have been stuck in jail lonely for years who are getting out just before Valentine’s Day. You preferably want to find ones who’ve been in for a long time, say, for like murder or who are in for a major drug crime, because they’re the ones likely to be the most available.
Anyway, you can check the release dates and see which attractive ones are getting out in the coming weeks and just be waiting for them when they do. Many of them won’t even have money for a cab – so they’ll be really excited to see a new available guy there waiting with his car when they walk out.
When she sees you and you ask her to be your Valentine, you’ll be like the surprise prince whisking her away in your golden chariot. In a lot of these cases, the women need transportation and you are their only choice. So she’ll no doubt be very thankful – practically guaranteeing you a great date for Valentine’s Day.
(Here’s another great date-getting version of this: If you find someone in jail that you’re really attracted to who can’t make bail, you can pay the bond and get them out and, if I’m not mistaken, if you bail them out they pretty much have to go where you say – including on a date with you on Valentine’s Day.)
But those aren’t the only ways to line up a much-vaunted date for the yearly day of love …
Find true love in your email spam folder.
People act like they have to go to the ends of the earth to find a Valentine’s Day date, when in reality the date of your dreams may be as close as your email spam folder or your Facebook message spam folder. And, in this case, I’m not talking about just any women, but fantastically beautiful exotic women from far away places who now live right in your neighborhood and are dying to get with you. The best thing is that these women are very, very forward, and in some cases many of them even come right out and say quite openly that they’re eager to date you. So just open your much too neglected spam folder, shop till you drop and take your pick!
I remember I was always surprised that more people weren’t coming on to me online but it turns out it had nothing to do with me – it was Facebook all along. The company was incorrectly marking as spam those important messages from women who really liked my profile and weren’t shy in saying so. There were many, many hot – not to mention hot to trot – women who were crazy interested in me but I didn’t know it until I happened to check my spam folder.
(PS, not only does this help you find a date, you can also find in your spam folder plenty of great ways to get free money. By all means, check out those fantastic deals and investments too while you’re in the spam folder finding true love.)
Find women the same place you find Stouffer’s Frozen Dinners ╨ the grocery store.
Stop moping around because you’re lonely and get in your car and drive to the nearest Harris Teeter to find the love of your life. Instead of shopping, head to the checkout line, grab a magazine, stand just off to the side and act like you’re reading it.
Here’s the fantastic thing about the Harris Teeter checkout line: A lot of great-looking women come through there and, when its time to checkout, they all freely give out their phone numbers to anyone within earshot. So Voilà! Just wait near the line and listen, and write down the phone numbers of all the women you like. Then all you have to do is call them up and, each time, say that you just happened to notice that she was shopping alone and you had overheard her number and you thought she might need a date for Valentine’s Day. You can even point out that you two already know you have something in common because you shop at the same store and you, like her, also like Wheat Thins and cheddar cheese or whatever. This is a really great way to meet women and I’m surprised more people don’t use this even when it’s not Valentine’s Day.
Use this can’t-miss method when at the club, the bar, a restaurant or some big social event.
Go out to any event or bar or club or popular restaurant where there will be a lot of people that night, and keep an eye out for single women you like. When you find one, go up to her and ask, “Hey, you wouldn’t by any chance happen to be walking back to your car alone later, would you?”
If she says yes, then wait till she leaves and follow a few steps behind. The rush up behind her and yell, “Surprise! It’s me again.” And then, when you both stop laughing at that, tell her the reason you asked her about walking her to her car alone is because you wanted to get her where it was quiet and where it was just the two of you so you could ask her to be your Valentine this year.
Meet your future Valentine the old-school way.
If you know someone you like and know she takes a class at a local college, just start showing up for all of her classes, and, when she comes in and sits down, always sit right next to her. Start talking to her before and after class each time and if she asks you why you are there since you aren’t in any of the classes or even a student at that school, just say that those subjects are something you’re interested and you are there because you are thinking about enrolling in school next semester and taking those classes. Tell her it must just be fate trying to bring you together and then pop your Valentines Day question for an almost certain enthusiastic “Yes!”
Another great place to meet women is at the ATM at banks near you.
Do this at night when it is quiet and peaceful. Just pull up near the ATM and then, once she’s at the machine getting her money out, stand behind her and gaze at her lovingly. While she finishes her transaction, you can have a really good conversation and you should say something that will impress her a lot, like, “Do you know if they allow you to withdraw more than $2 million at a time?” Something like that. Then tell her you have another question as well and ask, “Will you be my Valentine?”
Meet the woman of your dreams in the bathroom.
Just go in any women’s bathroom and wait for your one true love. When someone comes in who you’re interested in, say, “I’m transgender, but I’d be willing to change back in a second if you’ll go out with me for Valentines Day.”
There are other great places to meet women of course – the pharmacy, AA meetings, etc. – but between all these great ideas you should easily be able to find a date for Valentine’s Day.
OK, so that’s it. If you’re currently a lonely guy, don’t just sit around here reading my column; the clock is ticking and Feb. 14 will be here before you know it; so get out there and use these great methods to find the love of your life!