Well, it’s hard to believe that it’s already 2017. I mean, that is absolutely crazy. As everyone knows, the future got here in 2001, so now the world is in the post-future age, and it is really now almost 20 years past the future.
So do not let the lack of flying cars overhead fool you one bit: We are way, way into the future, and if you need any proof of that, just realize that we can freeze live TV, can put our cars on autopilot and can also just stand in our kitchen and call out into the air, “Who won the 1936 Iditarod?” and, magically, we will hear the answer.
So don’t tell me it’s not the future.
But the real question is: What in the world will this new year bring? And that’s exactly the question we will be addressing in Yost Column this week. Some newspapers only write about things after they happen, and those lame publications are perfectly content with telling you what happened in the past; but, in this Yost Column, I’m going to boldly go one step further and give you a glance of things that will happen 2017, before they occur …
Jan 12. Apple’s new wireless Bluetooth earpieces – the AirPods – are reported to be a wild success, but users complain of constantly losing the small devices. Apple introduces an updated version that includes a cord that cleverly attaches the AirPods together as well as to the user’s phone so they are less likely to be lost.
Jan. 13. After a string of highly publicized failed relationships spanning the last five years, Taylor Swift finally announces that she has met the love of her life. She weds 34-year-old Sony Music Entertainment executive Carson Frear. She states that after a string of disastrous relationship she has finally met “the love of my life, my soul mate and the man I want to grow old with.”
Jan 14. Swift and Frear file for divorce citing irreconcilable differences.
Jan 20. Donald Trump sworn into office as the 44th president of the United States. The new president pledges to bring all Americans together and work diligently with world leaders to fight the scourge of terrorism and improve the world’s economy.
Jan. 21. (2:05 p.m.) French President François Hollande announces in a speech in Paris that he and other leaders in the French government have “serious concerns about Trump’s competency and temperament” and that they would have “felt more optimistic about a positive future if Hillary Clinton had been elected.”
Jan. 21. (2:07 p.m.) US launches nuclear strike against France. The attack wipes out Paris, Rouen – a city on the Seine where Hollande was born – and the small town of Annecy. When Trump was asked about the selection of Annecy as a target, he stated that he had once vacationed in the town and had “terrible service in a restaurant there.”
Jan. 21. (3:25 p.m.) German Prime Minister Angela Merkel condemns the US nuclear strikes against France as “completely unwarranted and the greatest atrocity in the history of mankind.” Merkel Calls for an emergency meeting of the EU.
Jan. 21. (3:27 p.m.) US launches nuclear strike against Germany.
Jan. 21. (4:33 p.m.) San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee calls for the US Congress to take immediate action to impeach Trump based on his “wholesale disregard for civilization and human life.”
Jan. 21. (4:36 p.m.) US launches massive nuclear strike against San Francisco.
Feb. 14. Guilford County experiences a one-day spike in marriage proposals. A baffled News & Record notes the phenomenon and vows to discover what caused it.
March 5: Duke Guard Grayson Allen wins the NCAA National Sportsmanship Award for his consistent display of “sportsmanship, fairness, civility, honesty, respect and responsibility.”
March 17. News & Record columnist Susan Ladd takes up mountain biking as a new hobby and funds the creation of a new expert-level biking trail at Rich Fork Preserve known as the Susan P. Ladd Canyon Blaster Corkscrew.
March 25. City of Greensboro announces that it is creating 143 new assistant city manager positions, including an Assistant Greensboro City Manager of Paddle Boat Forms and Assistant City Manager of Desk Chair Legs.
April 3. Duke wins national championship in basketball.
April 25. NC’s Republican legislature votes to do away with the state’s governor’s position all together, with special legislation that only allows the state to have governors in election years where the Republican candidate was victorious.
June 16. After cutting taxes a total of just over 2 cents per $100 of assessed property value over the previous four years, the Republican-majority Guilford County commissioners cut the tax rate by a whopping $3.25 in the new 2017-2018 budget.
Board of Commissioners Vice Chairman Alan Branson states after the vote to pass the budget that the board was thrilled to be able to provide such major tax relief to county taxpayers. Branson said they did so by “judicious cuts, reducing costs on planned county construction projects such as the new animal shelter, and the elimination of some non-essential services such as the Sheriff’s Department and Emergency Services.”
Sept. 3. US Secretary of Defense General James Mattis announces that he is stepping down due to family issues.
Sept. 4 Donald Trump names Vladimir Putin as US secretary of defense.
Sept 21. Apple unveils its new 10th anniversary iPhone – the iPhone 8 – with wireless charging and a hyper-retina display on both sides. Jony Ive calls it “the thinnest, lightest, fastest, most beautiful iPhone Apple has ever made.”
Sept. 24. News reports surface centering on a large-scale problem of exploding iPhones blowing users’ heads off.
Sept. 26. A press release from Apple explains that this is not a flaw but a “feature.” The release states that Apple intended for iPhone 8’s to randomly explode in order to maintain user privacy since that feature would no doubt discourage the FBI from attempting to confiscate phones from users. Apple points to section 3427 C, subsection E, paragraph 42, footnote 391 in the iPhone User Agreement, which states that users agree to never stand within 11 feet of their iPhones while using them. Apple points out that all iPhone users must read the document fully and click “Agree” before their iPhone is activated, so it’s surprising, an Apple spokesman said, to learn that some people were holding their iPhones next to their head. He said it was clearly a case of “user error.”
Oct. 4. Trump is angered by a new series airing on Japanese television which is modeled after The Apprentice. Trump calls the show a “blatant, worthless rip-off.”
Oct. 5. US launches nuclear strike against Japan.
Oct. 31. A large number of people show up in downtown Greensboro dressed as monsters, sexy nurses and other types of strange characters. A baffled News & Record vows to get to the bottom of why area citizens suddenly decided all at once to dress up in costumes.
Dec 2. After an 11-0 season with an average margin of victory of 42 points over its opponents, the No. 1-ranked Duke Blue Devil football team is selected to face underdog Alabama in an NCAA playoff game on New Year’s Eve.
Dec. 3. Guilford County parks officials announce proudly that, after six years and a half million dollars, it finally has the kiddie train at Northeast Park working perfectly. It also states that the train will be “open for business” for the park’s Festival of County Lights Celebration on Dec. 7.
Dec. 7. Over 50 people – mostly children – are tragically killed, and 22 injured, in a train accident in Northeast Park, one that NBC Nightly News calls “the most horrific park tragedy in American history.”
Dec. 12. New News & Record poll reveals that married couples on average engage in more sex in the first year of marriage than they do in the 20th year.
Dec. 15. In a desperate move to fill guard positions at the jail, Sheriff BJ Barnes implements a new “elementary school hall monitor concept” that gives armbands to inmates with seniority and allows them to police the jail population themselves. Barnes points out that the new program has already reaped benefits, saving county tax dollars in jail guard salaries and cutting the county’s jail population by about half practically overnight.
Dec. 23. Large Hadron Collider scientists in Geneva scientists announce that, now that they have found the Higgs boson particle, they are resuming experiments at the start of the new year with an ambitious new series of particle collisions at higher speeds that are meant to go even further than before and attempt to split the Higgs boson itself into smaller particles.
Jan. 3, 2018. Black hole destroys world.