“There is an old political adage which says, If you can’t lick ‘em, jine [join] ‘em.”
– Quentin Reynolds in The Wounded Don’t Cry
The other day, I was watching TV and I saw a Fox News interview and the lady asked Donald Trump to give himself a letter grade on his presidency so far.
Now, if you didn’t happen to watch that, I’m going to stop the column right here for a minute and give you a second to guess what in the world his answer was. So, right now, if you missed that interview, I want you to search your mind and recall everything you know about the current president and see if you can take a wild stab at what grade he gave himself.
OK, do you have your answer? Are you ready?
Here’s his response: “So, I give myself an A plus … I would say I would honestly give myself and A plus and so would a lot of other people.”
OK, I sincerely hope you didn’t get that answer wrong, because you should of course know that Trump would give himself an A plus – and you really should also know that no other answer even remotely occurred to him.
Trump has been president for over a year and a half now, and, by this point in time, you should know that about him. In fact, if you guessed any other answer than “A plus,” then you get an F on the test that I just gave you.
Now, I watch a lot of national news and, every now and then, I hear something Trump said and I do a double take toward the TV, and I say, “What? Huh? You didn’t really just say that, did you?”
But, whatever you say about Trump and the way he conducts himself, you have to admit that it has worked for him; because the proof is in the pudding and his statements, attitudes and persona – no matter how outrageous – have somehow landed him in the highest position one can hold on the planet earth.
So, I give up on everything I learned in grade school about humility and truthfulness. I thought I knew how to conduct myself but those ways I learned from my parents are clearly old hat – the mere remnants of a long ago bygone era that’s now nothing more than a distant memory.
I am also giving up ever joking again about the things Trump says or does. I’m even giving up on doing double takes whenever he says something completely crazy on TV. No, from this point on, I’m going to happily trade those double takes in for enthusiastic head nods. I’m just going to nod agreement because clearly he – the president – knows something that I – a lowly reporter in a one-horse town – do not.
As they say, if you can’t beat them, join them, and that’s exactly what I intend to do. So, by way of warning, all of my columns – beginning today with the one you’re holding in your hands – are going to be written by the new Scott Yost, the ever-confident, never ever wrong, damn-the-facts-and-damn-common-courtesy Yost.
I am trying to learn from the stable genius that is Donald Trump and make myself great again – or, really, great for the first time ever. My effort to follow the president down that path begins now …
Greetings, winners and losers alike! Thank you for reading Yost Column this week. I fully expect that you will find it to be, by far, the best thing you have EVER READ IN YOUR LIFE including the Bible and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which are both VERY overrated.
I, Scott D. Yost, the greatest writer in the history of the world – no, no, no, I mean the greatest writer in the history OF THE UNIVERSE (both known and unknown universe, of course), am the main reason that the Rhino Times is the most widely read newspaper in the world – with over 12 billion weekly readers – and, let me tell you, sincerely and with upmost honesty, there’s a reason that I have won, not one, not two, but 14 Pulitzer Prizes for journalism. Unlike those “so called” journalists at the failing News & Record – colossal losers and boneheads, the perpetrators of fake news – you can believe what you read here. As you may know, I am often referred to as Scott “more honest than Jesus” Yost.
I am also an out an out unmitigated genius whose reporting is beyond reproach! In fact, I may be the smartest man alive now that Stephen Hawking is dead. Come to think of it, I thought his theories on black hole radiation were pure and utter garbage! That complete idiot knew NOTHING at all about anything and I think you can figure out the only reason no one ever called him out on his stupidity.
I am sick and tired of my critics who call or write in to the paper. I am sick of them and their puny little barely functioning brains. Sorry to the losers and haters who try to criticize me, but my IQ is one of the highest in the world – and you all know it. Please don’t feel stupid or insecure – it’s not your fault. You’re just too dumb to realize it.
By the way, if you’re wondering how I can type this column so crisply and magnificently, it’s because I have giant and very powerful hands. And when I say my hands are GIANT I mean my “hands” are GIANT – if you get where I’m going with that.
All my hands, of course, are connected to my giant and powerful brain.
And, even though I’m named in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world’s fastest typist, the utterly amazing thing is that – despite that amazing speed – I never ever make a mistake. I never make a spelling or grammatical error. My columns don’t even get looked at by a copy editor because it would be a waste of time to look for a mistake in this sea of perfection.
And, if you do read this column and find what you suppose is a “mistake,” don’t send it in or email me or tweet to me about it like the loser you are. For I assure you that, if I do ever deviate from standard spelling or grammar, I do so on purpose to demonstrate that I am higher than the puny, small-minded rules and regulations of the sad little English language. To quote myself with a brilliant phrase that I came up with on my on: “Genius makes its own rules.”
I bring the same intensity and skill to my writing that I did to the high school football field in the late ’70s when I led Grimsley to a state championship by being the highest rated high school quarterback of all time. And, as you no doubt witnessed recently, I was the winner of the Wyndham Championship by hitting a hole in one on every hole and finishing the course 2,000 under par.
Exactly the same way I won the Wyndham in the five previous years.
Oh my, this is fun! I am just getting started. I am going to like this! It is very freeing. I see why Trump likes it so much. I am a new man with a new attitude: Yost for President in 2020!
More later – right now it’s time for covfefe …