Recently, I’ve been trying to find someone to marry but I haven’t had much luck. I did get married once before but it didn’t take, so that has left me where I am today – a single man in need of a wife.

It hit me recently that one thing I had never tried, when it comes to getting a wife, is using the scientific method.

Here’s what I mean by that. If you want to fix a faucet, what do you do? Right, you read a book about how to fix a faucet or you watch a video on it. That is, you learn from the experts. And, likewise, if you want to make an upside-down lemon meringue pie, what do you do? It’s not rocket science, is it? You simply get the instructions, buy some lemons and some meringues, head down to Australia or China and follow the instructions.

The key, in all these cases, is that you listen to the experts and follow the recipe.

Which is what I’ve finally started doing when it comes to landing a wife.

My first step was to look for experts (that is, people who have published books on the subject) – and, man, has that been a world of help. I read What Women Want, which has the subtitle, “What every man needs to know about sex, romance, passion and pleasing women.” That one says on the cover that it is based on interviews with 2,102 women. And, in my renewed scientific effort, I also read The Art of Wooing as well as Take Action. How to Meet Women and Get Dates. I also read the best one of all – one called The Sensuous Man. It is very mysterious because the author is listed only as “M.”

The Sensuous Man came out in 1971. Now, 1971 was a long time ago but the rules of romance and attracting women – just like the rules of gravity – never change. That’s why women are still suckers for things like when you read Elizabethan poetry to them or ask them to share a bundling board. (Though those two methods aren’t mentioned in any of the books.)

One of the best chapters in The Sensuous Man for my purposes is the one on where and how to meet women. “M” has all sorts of great ideas on how to meet women and get them interested in you whether you’re in the park or a crowded bus or wherever.

Here’s just one example from page 57:


On a crowded bus:

You step on her foot.

SHE: Owww!

YOU: Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry!

You step on her foot again.

SHE: Ouch! Please!

YOU (blushing): Oh, excuse me, please forgive me. I’m not normally so clumsy. It’s just that it takes me a while for me to get my land legs after I’ve been out on the yacht.

SHE (wide-eyed): You have a yacht?

YOU: Why, do like boating …


Now, see, this is absolutely brilliant. This is the perfect thing to do and I’ve been wanting to try this around here to find my wife, but one problem is that, in Greensboro, I can’t find a crowded bus.

But, when I do find that bus, you can bet I’m going to try this technique out for sure. Look at how perfect this strategy is: Five minutes earlier, you didn’t know this woman from Eve, and, now, suddenly, she’s ready to go out with you on your yacht where you can wine her and dine her and the two of you can enjoy piña coladas as you watch the sunset together with a nice breeze blowing over the ocean.

Now, it is true that one problem is what to do about the fact that you don’t have a yacht, but “M” has that covered. He says that, if that ever comes up, you are in good shape because you never said you had a yacht.

“Remember, you didn’t actually say you have yacht,” he writes.

And he’s exactly right – what you actually said is that you had trouble with your legs after you’ve been out on “the yacht,” not your yacht.

“M” writes, “Later, if she tries to pin you down, you can always say your friend, Ari, owns the yacht – and he’s on a round-the-world voyage. But you offer to take her on a one-week cruise instead.”

Brilliant! That’s the only word for it. Now you and your love are on the way to a week long romantic cruise where you know what with you know who is bound to happen if you know what I mean.

Now, “M” doesn’t go any further into the explanation, but you can figure out the rest. If she keeps asking you about Ari and insists on meeting him, all you have to do is, one day when she brings him up, just get this sad look on your face, and tear up a little and say, “I just got word from the Galapagos Islands that Ari’s yacht went off course to observe some humpback whales and hit some rocks offshore and Ari drowned.”

Then start to sob a little but be sure to do it in a manly way.

That should cover that base pretty good.

So, anyway, I have got to try this one. If you know where I can find a crowded bus on the city bus system, please let me know.

“M” has plenty of other great tips as well, like one for getting a woman to come up to you when you’re in the park. And not just getting her to come up to you – but to come running up to you and grab you and hug you! Now, if you think that sounds too good to be true, well, I assure you it is not. It is pure genius, very Einsteinian. (And, for all I know, “M” could have very well been Albert Einstein himself.)

Here’s the next great example from The Sensuous Man:


In the park:

You fall down on the grass, choking, thrashing your legs, gripping your throat as if you have swallowed your tongue.

SHE (running up): Good heavens! What’s happened? What’s wrong?

YOU (sitting up, gasping): I think it’s better now.

SHE: Can I get you anything?”

Brilliant! Instant relationship! This is such a great idea that I have no idea why I didn’t think of it myself other than that it is patently deceitful, manipulative and wildly unethical. But, you know, all is fair in love and war. And if you don’t believe that, look it up: That really is something that they say.

In 1971, when The Sensuous Man came out, I don’t think they even had the Heimlich maneuver – so it’s even better advice now because, instead of just slapping you on the back, the object of your affection will now give you a big bear hug from behind.

“M” writes: “It is advisable to dress fairly elegantly when trying this ploy. Few woman will approach a shabbily dressed man writhing around on the ground in the park.”

Which I think is generally a true statement.

If you use the park method, then, once everything calms down and she knows you are OK, you can tell her that the problem is that you aren’t used to eating hot dogs from park vendors because usually you only eat caviar prepared by your personal chef in the restaurant you own, and then you should invite her to eat there with you. (Pick the nicest restaurant in town. On the day of your date, a few minutes before the restaurant opens, go there and give the staff a ten-dollar bill and say, “When I show up later tonight, I’m the owner. Capisce?”)

Now the book Take Action also has some great advice. The whole point it makes is that, whenever you approach a woman, it’s not important what you say but how you say it. It could be topical, funny, a compliment or whatever – but you must say it with confidence.

So take any typical line you might use on a woman you meet in a bar, like “What’s your favorite game? Mine’s called Following You Without You Knowing.” Well, when you say that, look her straight in the eye intensely and don’t blink or look away.

These are all great tips for meeting women, but how do you woo them once you have them on the hook? You have to get them in the most romantic settings, right?

Well, the book What Women Want knows where that is because they interviewed 2,102 women – not 2,100 women, or 2,101 – no, they interviewed 2,102 women.

Now according to those interviews, the places where women are most likely to get the romantic urge are, in order …

  • In front of the fireplace
  • A charming bed and breakfast
  • A first-class hotel
  • A hot tub
  • The shower
  • In the car or the truck


That last one surprised me a little but I guess some of the 2,102 women they interviewed were from Colfax.

Anyway, I have to stop writing now because I have more reading to do and I need to call my friend Ari and I also need to make sure my employees at the restaurant I own aren’t robbing me blind.

I predict I will have a wife in no time.

In the meantime, if you are an available woman and you see me choking in the park, rush over and give me a hug – uh, I mean the Heimlich.