This may be the biggest, most important and most widely read column I’ve ever written.
I say that because I’ve been lucky enough to have gotten (and I say this modestly) the scoop of the century: complete specs, pricing information and every other detail about the wildly anticipated Apple iPhone 8.
Never mind how I got the information: I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you and everyone you’ve talked to in the last 24 hours. So, for your sake as well as mine and theirs, it’s best we not go there and, instead, we should all clearly just adopt a don’t ask, don’t tell policy if you and your friends want to live.
And, anyway, the important thing isn’t how I came upon this information but the fact that I’ve managed to get a hold of it – all the absolutely top-secret knowledge regarding the most anticipated phone in the history of mankind.
Every news publication in the country is absolutely drooling for this info, so please remember that you heard it here first. You and the rest of the world have waited long enough at this point, and I don’t want you to have to wait one second longer – so, without further to do, ladies and gentlemen, stealing Apple’s thunder in a big way, I give you …
The 10th Anniversary iPhone …
Firstly, all of the iPhone 8’s will be made in Shangri-La and constructed out of pure unobtainium with a trim of woven 25-carat gold. The screen is a new liquid diamond display molded by Cartier jewelers while the rest of the phone will be hand-made by a team of old-world master craftsmen using the most cutting edge assembly methods. Before being packaged in a royal purple silk case with cashmere lining, each phone will be blessed by a minister, a rabbi, a Shaolin temple monk, Shirley MacLaine and the pope.
Every iPhone 8 will be lovingly crafted with the utmost care and attention to detail, and each will come with original distinct artwork hand-stenciled on the back by Andy Warhol so that each device will be a valuable piece of art as well as a smartphone.
Orders for the phone will open right after the iPhone announcement on Wednesday, Sept. 14, and the phones will be delivered to customers on Christmas morning by teams of specially trained carrier pigeons that fly in direct from Shangri-La. (One thousand early buyers, selected at random, will have the phone hand delivered by Taylor Swift, who will perform a song of the buyer’s choice on their front porch.)
The phone, which will have a starting price of $12,999, will carry a 100-year warranty and battery life will allow 10 months of continuous use without recharging.
Apple is also offering eternal salvation to the first 10 million buyers. (Sprint customers excluded of course.)
Earlier this week, after Apple became aware that I’d obtained the info on the new phone, the company offered me a rare opportunity to sit down at Apple’s new “Spaceship campus” in Cupertino for a Q and A with Apple’s head of design Jony Ive.
After a tour of the magnificent facility, we got down to business …
Me: First, of all, wow! Well it certainly sounds like this will be quite a phone!
Ive: We do not see it so much as a “phone,” but more as a life-changing magical holy grail. To call it “scary perfect” would be a vile insult to every Apple employee who played a role in its design and production, as well as a slap in each of their faces. The new iPhone 8 makes “perfect” look like a pile of bug-infested horse manure. The iPhone 8 makes you want to toss “perfect” into a waste bin and set it on fire.
Me: Now, I read that the phones are all being manufactured in Shangri-La. Excuse me, but I thought Shangri-La was a fictional place from the 1933 novel Lost Horizon by British writer James Hilton.
Ive: Oh no, I can assure you it is very real. But it’s hidden away quite well. We try not to encourage tourism or visitors at our plant there as it upsets the unicorns.
Me: OK, can you tell me some of the features we can expect?
Ive: One cool thing is that the new iPhone doesn’t break if you drop it – in fact, it doesn’t even drop if you drop it. If you release if from your hand, it goes instantly into antigravity mode and simply hovers beside you until you grab it again. There’s also the new “Apple iSmell” feature: Whenever you are looking at a picture of apple pie, for instance, the phone will emit the smell of apple pie. There’s also ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend dialing. When you drunkenly shout out through your tears “Call Steve!” at one in the morning, instead, Siri will connect you to a highly eligible bachelor who lives within a 10-mile radius who will treat you with respect and dignity.
Me: Speaking of Siri, I hear there will be improvements to Siri as well.
Ive: Yes, for instance now Siri will actually respond in a manner that is in some way connected to what you said. Now, with the current iPhone, when you use Siri and say. “Siri, what time is it?” she responds: “I don’t see any movies now playing in Time Square called It.” Instead, on the iPhone 8, when you ask the time, it will tell you the time in Indo-China. Unless you live in Indo-China, in which case it will tell you the time in Portland.
Me: It sounds like Apple used all types of new materials: unobtainium, 25-carat gold, etc.
Ive: We also use a brand new material, a-LU-min-i-um. It is a new very shiny silver space-age material.
Me: I think you mean aluminum, and I’m pretty sure it’s been around for quite a while.
Ive: No, not aluminum – the word I am saying is pronounced completely differently. Listen to the way I say it. In the iPhone 8, we are using a-LU-min-i-um – a substance that only Apple has access to that is completely different from aluminum.
Me: Now, I still haven’t told my readers about the biggest new feature. I thought I would let you do the honors …
Ive: We at Apple are very excited about this huge life-changing new feature. We call it Permanent Tranquility Mode, or PTM: Through painstaking effort we have completely eliminated phone calls from the iPhone 8. We are bringing you the utmost in phone simplicity – we have completely done away with making phone calls or receiving them. In 1876, Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone and shackled mankind with the chains of constant phone calls interrupting their lives. Now, in 2017, Apple is completely freeing humanity from those chains. Just imagine if you will – imagine – the complete serenity of no more phone calls. This astounding ground-breaking feature means more spam calls. No more sales calls. No more ex-wives calling you up to complain she wants another $40 million. No more fumbling with the phone trying to pull up a number. If your boss tries to call you to give you more work, he or she will be utterly unable to reach you and you will have the perfect excuse. Last year, with the iPhone 7, we cut humanity away from the horrible constraining shackles of the headphone cord, and, with the iPhone 8, we cut every one free from the shackles of having to engage in phone conversations ever again.
Me: I have to say I think there’s going to be some pushback from people who want the ability make phone calls on their phone.
Ive: No doubt. Every time Apple propels the sheep who constitute mankind forward, there are some tiny-minded Luddites who protest and we have to drag them into the future kicking and screaming. When we removed the headphone jack in the iPhone 7, some ingrates questioned us, but people need to keep in mind that if we say they are better off without a headphone jack or phone calls, then they are better off without a phone jack or phone calls. Apple is worth nearly a trillion dollars; I think you can have faith in what we say. Also, this is not Apple taking something away, it is Apple adding a feature.
Besides, what are they going to do if they don’t like the iPhone? Use an Android phone? [Ive breaks into wild uncontrollable laughter.] Yes, yes, they could always use an Android phone. [Ive bursts into laughter again and we have to take a break for Ive to collect himself before resuming the interview.]
Me: So, on the iPhone 8, all communication will be done through texting and email?
Ive: Well, actually we’re doing away with email as well, but, yes, texting will be allowed for one hour per day – from noon to 1 p.m. We found that by doing away with both calls and email we could decrease the width of the phone by two millimeters and increase battery life dramatically.
Me: Still, some people are not going to like that one bit.
Ive: All I can say is: Apple giveth and Apple taketh away, and if you have a problem with that then you can take it up with Apple – and then you can take it up with the all-knowing God of the Universe, because He, if I’m not mistaken, has the exact same policy.
Trust me, there are other reasons to get the new iPhone. In the coming decade, you want to be on Apple’s good side. [Ive winked at me knowingly.] I can’t really go into detail, but trust me on that one. Let’s just say that, by the time fall 2019 rolls around, you will definitely want to be a blue bubble not a green one – or, as we at Apple call it, wheat and chaff.