Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. I mean that very sincerely.


                              – President-elect Donald Trump



This is a column about why you shouldn’t kill yourself.

Now, I think most people normally don’t have a desire to kill themselves, but, ever since Tuesday, Nov. 8, I’ve been seeing a lot of people who never considered suicide before who tell me that they either feel like ending it all or, at least, they act and sound like they are right on the verge of it.

Mostly, it’s Democrats who wanted Hillary Clinton to win the election – or, more specifically, who wanted Donald Trump to lose, and now they’re extremely despondent.

Now, personally, I don’t understand all this opposition and negativity: I mean, how can anyone be against making this country great again?

But, still, there are always the annoying nattering nabobs of negativism and they are down in the dumps right now; so this week, if you are one of those people, I wanted to give you some encouragement and list a few reasons you should hang in there and live through the Trump presidency. …

Elections don’t matter. They never do and never have. Listen, the truest thing anyone ever said was, “If voting could change anything, it would be illegal.” As a lifelong card-carrying Libertarian, I can assure you, I promise you, if elections could change anything they wouldn’t let us anywhere near voting booths. The people in charge are the people in charge no matter what.

Presidents don’t keep their campaign promises. I mean, think about how freaked out everyone was eight years ago when the country elected the Big Bad Bringer of Monumental Change with his Big Bad Bag of Promises: He’s going to make Wall Street pay for their crimes, close down Gitmo, put an end to illegal spying on American citizens …

He didn’t do any of that. Nada. Republicans and Wall Street bankers were so scared but, as soon as Obama got elected, he started backtracking on everything. He’s been president for eight years and the Wall Street bankers’ bonuses are bigger than ever, no one went to jail for the mass financial crimes that led up to 2008, Gitmo is open and the government is still conducting wholesale illegal spying on every man, woman and child in the country.

People were also terrified Obama would ruin the healthcare system in this country, but did that ever come about? OK, that may not be the best example to use, but, listen, the healthcare system was on life support long before he got hold of it.

You won’t have to listen to Republicans complain all day every day about how every single ill in the world is the fault of your party. This is perhaps the biggest thing for Democrats to look forward to. It is “HUUUUGE” to use Trump’s lingo. There’s a Republican president, a Republican Senate and a Republican House. No matter what you think about what they do, at least you won’t have to hear the incessant, never-ending stream of bitter complaints about how Obama and the Democrats are at fault for everything bad that ever happens anywhere in the world at any time. The Republican president and legislators will make Republican decisions, and if things go horribly wrong as a result, the Republicans will no longer have the Democrats to blame. OK, they will continue to blame you – I hear you – but at least having the Republicans in total control of every branch of governments will make their arguments more hollow.

You can endure anything for four years. You know, in World War II, some members of the greatest generation endured amazing conditions in POW camps for that long. High school is four years. Remember how hard that was, but you got through it. Watch March of the Penguins and see how bad the penguins have it when they are standing there naked, huddled together on ice in with wind blasting by in a negative 40-degree wind chill. Do you not think they would trade that for our lives in a second, even if it meant having Trump as their president?

Trump may be the greatest Democratic president in history. Who knows what he will do? No one (not even Trump) has any idea whatsoever what he will do. The truth is even the people who voted for him have absolutely no idea what he’ll do. What’s the first thing he did as president-elect: Thank Hillary Clinton for her excellent service to the country. Huh? What?? What the hey? Where did that come from?

What’s the second thing he did as president-elect? Meet with Obama and announce that he’s going to seek Obama’s counsel.

Here’s what Trump said right after the two had met: “This was a meeting that was going to last for maybe 10 or 15 minutes, and we were just going to get to know each other. We had never met each other. I have great respect. The meeting lasted for almost an hour and a half. And it could have – as far as I’m concerned, it could have gone on for a lot longer. We really – we discussed a lot of different situations, some wonderful and some difficulties I very much look forward to dealing with the president in the future, including counsel.”

See, he’s seeking the wise counsel of the excellent president Obama. Huh? What? Who are you and what have you done with Donald Trump?

You have great respect for Obama and his counsel? You want guidance from the Manchurian candidate with his sleeper cell family, from the Kenyan founder of ISIS who tricked us all into voting for him by pretending to be an American so he could undermine this country and turn it over to our bitter enemies?

See what I mean, Democrats. It’s not really Republican to seek advice from Obama. Nor is it really in line with the party of corporate freedom and limited government to micromanage Apple and start a giant big-spending big-government infrastructure program – or, for that matter, to get chummy with the evil empire (Russia, not Microsoft.).

Some people say that Trump is a loose cannon, which comes from cannons rolling around old wooden decks of ships wreaking havoc, but I think a better analogy for a Trump presidency is the dog in YouTube video that grabs the lit Roman candle and starts running around in confusion while balls of fire shoot randomly in every direction.

Terrorism ends on Jan. 20, 2017. Trump has a failsafe plan to end terrorism. Despite that, he got some criticism because he wouldn’t say what that plan was. But, uh, hello? Of course he can’t tell everyone what is because then the terrorists would know!

“I don’t want to broadcast the enemy what my plan is,” he said.

Right. Exactly. Thank you, Donald. Amen. I hear you. You don’t let that cat out of the bag and go public with a terrific plan like that. That way the terrorists won’t know what hit them.

Remind yourself that this is not who the Republicans wanted either. For all you Democrats who can’t stand Trump, and who despise everything about him, remember that, for every one of you, there’s a Republican Party leader who feels the exact same way. It’s easy to forget these days, but they fought him kicking and screaming every step of the way – as he plowed through one desirable Republican candidate after another. It wasn’t just the Democrats who didn’t want him president – the Republicans fought him tooth and nail. In fact, absolutely no one wanted Trump to be president except the 59 million people who voted for him.

Come on, honestly, the alternative wasn’t all that appealing, now was it? Look, even if Trump had lost, it would have still been four years of Hillary. You have to admit: It’s not like we would have had some great president in place of Trump. She wasn’t exactly the pick of the litter, if you know what I mean.

Trump won in this election, but so did pot. Every time a door closes a window opens. Soon there will be more states than ever where you can legally get high. It may not help you here in North Carolina but it should help take the edge off a Trump presidency for your liberal friends in other parts of the country.

It will be, by far, the most interesting four years in the history of the planet Earth. Now, I’m sorry, but this is true whether you are Republican or Democrat. It will be extremely interesting – absolutely fascinating – to watch.

And yes, I know that, “May you live in interesting times” is a Chinese curse, but still, there’s something to say for how interesting and exciting it’s going to be. I have two words regarding Hillary Clinton: Bo and ring. But with Trump, nothing could be further from the truth. Each morning when you wake up you’ll turn on the TV and you will never know what has happened. It may be that the president unleashed a late night tweet storm against Rihanna or launched nuclear warheads against France. It could be literally anything.

Anyway, like I said, for all these reasons and others, you should calm down and keep living. It’s only four years. OK, maybe eight, but that’s only supposing the world doesn’t end – which, as you well know, could happen instantly at any time after high noon Friday, Jan. 20.