My methods of divination are highly secret and very mysterious, and I certainly cannot divulge them in print; I can only say that the Magic Eight Ball and frog entrails both played a crucial role in my magical methodology that has given me an open window into the future.
– Yost Column, Jan. 8, 2015
Well, as incredible as it sounds, the brand spanking New Year of 2018 is now upon us, and it’s suddenly time to turn our gaze from the past to the impending 12 months.
Now, as you may or may not know, I have some truly remarkable talents of prediction, precognition and prestidigitation; and, at the beginning of each year, I use those near magical powers to boldly predict what will and will not happen in the year ahead.
As you no doubt know, some sad sack newspapers only write about things after they happen, which is extremely easy to do. And those ordinary newspapers are perfectly content to tell you what has happened in the past.
However, here at Yost Column (as you know quite well if you read it often) we like to go the extra mile and offer you, our loyal readers, enhanced value by giving you a taste of what will happen in 2018, even before it happens.
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always get it exactly right. Not everything I predict always comes to pass. For instance, in 2017, actor Kevin Spacy did not win the Humanitarian of the Year Award as I predicted last January, nor did former San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick win the 2017 County Music Hall of Fame’s American Patriot Award.
Unfortunately, another major prediction I made that most certainly didn’t come to pass is that flying cars did not become the prevalent means of transportation in 2017. The good news is that I’m hearing from the flying car scientists that wide scale use of flying cars is “just around the corner.” They assure me that the flying cars will definitely finally roll out – or rather fly out – in 2018.
So, anyway, without any fanfare, pomp, circumstance or ballyhoo, let’s see what else the New Year holds in store …
Jan. 15. New revelations in a Vanity Fair article make it clear that the scourge of prominent figures having to step down because of sexual harassment charges wasn’t merely a 2017 phenomena. In the wake of the magazine’s exposé with damning evidence against them, TV Pastor Joel Osteen, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the pope all step down due to sexual harassment revelations.
Jan 23. At the first ever meeting of the Central North Carolina Airport Authority (formerly the Piedmont Triad Airport Authority) an angry mob of citizens storms the meeting with torches and pitchforks demanding that they change the name to something else or, even better, keep it the way it was.
Feb. 3. Emoji becomes the official language of the United States.
March 1. The High Point City Council passes a resolution naming the city’s new downtown stadium “Guilford County Commissioners Memorial Stadium.”
April 2. The Duke men’s basketball team wins the national championship in a thrilling victory over Wofford.
April 12. Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s 19-year-old pool boy wins a $3 million settlement against her.
April 17. The Toyota-Mazda partnership announces the two companies are coming to the Greensboro-Randolph Megasite and creating 12,000 new jobs. In the same announcement, Toyota and Mazda reveal that they are both moving their corporate headquarters to Greensboro, bringing in another 10,000 jobs. The story gets bumped off of the front page of the News & Record at the last minute after a new set of monthly homicide statistics for Greensboro is released on the same day.
May 1. Giant sinkhole swallows the entire town of Pleasant Garden.
May 15. The battle over the Greensboro airport’s name reaches the US Supreme Court. However, just hours before the case is to be heard, a settlement among the numerous warring parties is reached and the airport is named, “Piedmont Triad Central North Carolina Jim Melvin Ronald McNair Lewis Pitts Donald J. Trump Barack Obama Taylor Swift Kanye West Greensboro High Point Winston-Salem Oak Ridge Summerfield Colfax Syphilis Awareness Month Civil Rights Center and Museum International Memorial Airport.” (Also known as the PTCNCJMRMLPDJTBOTSKWGHPWSORSCSAMCRCMIM Airport for short.)
June 3. Kevin Schneiderman, a city transportation manager in Warren, Michigan, becomes the last remaining male employee in the American workforce after all other men have resigned or been fired over workplace sexual harassment charges.
June 25. News & Record learns that a giant sinkhole has swallowed Pleasant Garden.
July 17. Kevin Schneiderman resigns from his job after sexual harassment charges are brought against him.
August 3. A wave of allegations of sexual harassment of women being harassed by other women in the now all-female American workplace leads to over 50 million firings and resignations and leaves only about 100,000 women to fill every job in the country.
Sept 23. High Point University President Nido Qubein announces that his university is adding a football team in 2019. When asked if he was excited about his school finally entering the world of college football, Qubein chuckled and explained, “College? Oh no, every college in the country has a college football team. We’re getting a pro team. The NFL. I never think small.”
Oct. 12. High Point University adds the world’s only solid gold monorail to help students get to class in style. The cars and tracks alike are made entirely of 24-carat gold.
Nov. 1. Bitcoin reaches its all time high – over $25,000 per Bitcoin.
Nov. 2. Bitcoin falls to zero after one Wall Street analyst points out that it is “essentially exactly the same as Monopoly money when you think about it.”
Nov. 3. High Point’s new downtown stadium opens nearly six months ahead of schedule with a kick-off party concert at which U2, Bruce Springsteen and Beyoncé perform together.
Among those who tour the just-opened facility are representatives of Major League Baseball (MLB), who are so impressed with the new stadium that they grant High Point a Major League Baseball team on the spot with MLB play to start in the spring. The new team, the High Point Hootenannies, break all major league stadium attendance records and win the World Series in their first year.
Nov. 10. Taylor Swift sues Kanye West for defamation of character and demands $35 million in damages. West countersues Swift for filing false charges and seeks $40 million for Swift’s “libelous statements disparaging his character.”
Nov. 30. Taylor Swift and Kanye West marry.
Dec. 1. After years of trying, Guilford County finally gets its kiddie train running at Northeast Park, just in time for that park’s festival of lights celebration. An ecstatic Board of Commissioners hold a grand opening celebration and joyfully takes the first ride around the track.
Dec. 2. Northeast Park kiddie train breaks down on the track and falls apart. In an attempt to get it working again, the Board of Commissioners decides to fly in an old-world kiddie train expert craftsman in Bulgaria. The repairs are estimated to take 12 years at a cost of $17 million. Chairman of the Board of Commissioners Alan Branson states that he’s worried the county may be “throwing good money after bad” but he reiterates that the board is committed to getting a functioning kiddie train at Northeast Park.
Dec. 15. Flying cars go on sale and are instantly adopted by Americans fed up with traffic jams and terrestrial speed limits. (The nationwide announcement is held on the steps of the News & Record office; however, the N&R doesn’t have any available reporters or photographers to put on the story since they are working on a major story involving a lost dog in Rockingham County.)
Dec. 17. After more than 14 million Americans die in a two-day period of nationwide fatal flying car accidents, all flying cars are recalled. A statement from the flying car scientists states, “As is to be expected with any new form of transportation, there are clearly a few kinks to be worked out. We plan to make a few adjustments and have these exciting new vehicles back in operation very soon.”
Dec. 25. A large number of people across the country give each other presents to open.
Dec. 31. A major and alarming spike in drunk driving cases occurs. A News & Record editorial states that the paper finds the sudden increase “baffling, unexplainable and very worrisome” and vows that the paper will dig as long as it takes to find the cause for this sudden spike.