Stoned Nuclear Missile Commanders Frighten Yost, Threaten Planet
In 2007, the Air Force lost track of six nuclear armed missiles flown cross country from North Dakota to Barksdale Airbase in Louisiana. Six weeks later, the Air Force accidentally shipped nuclear triggers to Taiwan.
– Jim Miklaszewski,
NBC Nightly News, Jan. 16
I was driving back from High Point on Wendover about 5:15 p.m. recently on a Tuesday, and, right at the Greensboro city limit, I found myself stuck in a terrible traffic jam for a very long time.
For maybe 20 minutes, the traffic was barely crawling along. I mean, you’ve heard of standstill traffic – well, this was almost just that bad. As I was sitting there in my car, waiting on the third light cycle of the traffic light without having made it through the intersection, it hit me like a lighting bolt what was behind this traffic jam.
It all came together for me when I remembered that the precinct I was driving through was one that, in the mayoral election a couple of months ago, had gone to Robbie Perkins over Nancy Vaughan, and this so called “traffic jam,” I realized, was no doubt a little political payback for Perkins supporters, compliments of vengeful new Mayor Nancy Vaughan – who was undoubtedly making it known to the voters in that area that she didn’t appreciate one bit all those votes they cast for Perkins.
It was a little Southern political hardball, traffic-jam style, a little North Carolina stop-and-start home cooking, if you will.
I couldn’t prove it at that time, but I went back for several days straight and I noticed that that section of Wendover is fine all day long and then, right at about 4:55 p.m. every day, just like clockwork (or should I say, just like by design) for no apparent reason, things always start to slow down to a crawl.
Coincidence or corruption? You tell me.
I can’t prove it yet, but my strong hunch is that the solution to the city’s mystery traffic jam has nothing to do with a need for road improvements or anything else like that, and it instead has everything to do with a newly elected mayor, drunk with power, using her newfound authority and the resources at her disposal to really stick it to Perkins supporters and to twist that knife at every possible turn.
I’m going to be making a public records request this week to help get to the bottom of this and unearth the scandal, but, until I’m able to prove anything, let’s move on to the other fish to fry …
President Obama never ceases to amaze me. First, he gives us Obamacare, which doesn’t even work at all, and then, for some reason I’m still not sure of, he, of all things, names Dennis Rodman as the US ambassador to North Korea. I mean, that’s flat out crazy no matter how you slice it. Rodman is clearly a complete nut job, and he has no business at all being ambassador to anywhere – much less being ambassador to a high-profile political hotbed like North Korea. The fact that the president would name someone as irresponsible as Rodman to a position with that kind of authority tells you everything you need to know about this president and his wisdom – or his lack thereof!
I was shocked the other day when I checked my bank account because, according to the bank, my account was completely wiped out. I didn’t think that was possible because it just doesn’t add up, and I’m still trying to find out what’s going on with that. I know I have plenty of money in my account, but now the bank is saying it has a negative balance, but I haven’t written any checks since my last statement and I’ve only used the debit card on that account once to buy about $10 worth of stuff at Target.
But I’m not worried about it. I’m sure the bank has just made a mistake. That actually goes to figure since the bank people have been acting crazy lately, like they are on drugs or something. All the time they call me up asking me all these bizarre random questions like, “Mr. Yost, did you just buy a one-way first class ticket to Istanbul?” and “Did you just order a fully loaded Lamborghini from a dealer in Ontario?” I mean, just crazy questions like that. I always play along and answer in a very serious sounding voice, “Oh yes, absolutely – I love Istanbul this time of year,” because I figured that would be the easiest way to get them to stop calling, but it hasn’t worked so far – they still have a ton of crazy questions each day.
Hey, please, will someone answer this question for me: How come every time I want to play a video posted by Guilford County, or the City of Greensboro, or any other city government in the area, I can never ever get it to play on my computer or any other devices – but if I ever go online to see a video posted on the web by a 22-year-old party girl, it always, without fail, plays flawlessly on my computer, my iPad, my phone and anything else I try. But if you ever want to play a video posted by the county or the cities, all you get are strange error messages saying you have a “DN 7-3 Error” or that you need to install the latest version of Silverlight for the 43rd time, or something else like that.
Wouldn’t you really think it would be the other way around? I mean, wouldn’t you think it would be the one who had the department of experts and the $9-million budget who could get a video to play consistently online – rather than the young drunk party girl who posted her video from her iPhone at Mix while twerking furiously and simultaneously slamming back mimosas? Does that make any sense at all to you?
Maybe the county and the area cities should hire that party girl to replace their IT departments.
If you run into Commissioner Hank Henning, get him to show you his fantastically realistic Three Stooges impersonation that he regaled the commissioners with at lunch at the board’s retreat last week. Henning’s stooge moves and sounds are eerily like the real thing, and I almost surreptitiously caught Henning on video using my iPhone. Hank saw me at the last minute and ceased his impersonation, but I feel that if I had been able to catch those moves on the iPhone then Henning would never again in his life hold elected office.
So, a few weeks ago I wrote in this column about the fact that, for years, the US government’s nuclear missile launch codes – the important codes that stand between us and the destruction of the world – were set at 00000000. That’s eight zeros, but who’s counting – certainly not the people who come up with nuclear launch codes.
And the nuclear missile people have plenty of other screw-ups in their past and, to top it all off, this week, the news comes out that there’s a huge cheating scandal that involved about 35 of the people who are responsible for launching nuclear missiles. You know, they are the people who sit there behind the two-foot-thick doors of reinforced steel with their hands on the keys to launch the missiles of ultimate destruction. And they were cheating on the very tests meant to show they’re qualified to do that job.
And guess what, do you know how the military top brass uncovered the cheating scandal? It was because they found out about the cheating while conducting a probe into rampant recreational drug use among nuclear launch commanders.
Now it’s all becoming clear to me: The reason they had to keep the launch code so simple is that, if they needed to launch some nuclear missiles, they had to have a really easy code in place so that the completely unqualified stoners who are getting baked in the missile bunkers could remember it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for the legalization of marijuana – way to go Colorado! – but even I don’t think people should be stoned while they have their fingers on the trigger of nuclear missiles. I mean, if you ask me that’s just asking for trouble.
It is likely the most important job on earth, so I find it a little disturbing that they were cheating on the qualifying test and getting stoned to boot.
I think this is a really important problem that we need to address as a society so, in order to help out the nation’s Strategic Air Command – not to mention all those who might be on the receiving end of a nuclear missile – I’m offering a list of top 10 signs that a nuclear launch officer is stoned …
(10) Accidentally targets missiles at St. Petersburg, Florida, rather that St. Petersburg, Russia.
(9) Refuses to turn the launch key until he hears REM’s “End of the World as We Know It” playing over the command center’s intercom.
(8) Asks, “Did you say, ‘Bomb Saudi,’ or ‘Let’s get bombed with Maui Wowie?’”
(7) When given the order to “Fire it up!” he pulls out his lighter and his bong.
(6) Only opens the two-foot-thick steel security and blast protection door for generals with top-level security clearance and the Domino’s delivery guy.
(5) Is always asking, did you say, “Time for launch?” or Time for lunch?” – I sure hope you said lunch because, man, do I have a bad case of the munchies!”
(4) Constantly uses the nuclear football for pickup tag football games in the warhead stockroom.
(3) When ordered to turn the key, he replies, “Hey man, did it ever occur to you that the fingers we use to turn keys with are like toes for our hands – wow!”
(2) Calls out, “Dude, this a fun video game. I don’t know who the other player is, but I just took out three of his major cities and he didn’t even strike back.”
(1) On test, for question asking what “ICBM” stands for, he answers, “I Catch a Buzz from Mary Jane.”
Hey, speaking of war, I’m really looking forward to seeing the new movie Lone Survivor. So, if you see it before I do, and you run into me, please don’t tell me how it ends. I don’t want you to ruin it for me.
I only say that because, in the past, I’ve had a real problem with people giving the ending of movies away for me. Last year, there were several times I rented movies and, right before I watched them, someone, wouldn’t you know, blurted out the ending. Three movies I remember that people completely ruined for me by giving the ending away were Saving Private Ryan, Last Man Standing and Death of a Salesman.
However, that said, speaking of endings, I’m going to give away the ending of this column: It ends with the word “now” in italics, and it does so … right … about ... now.
BY Scott D. Yost
January 23, 2014
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