I saw a recent Inside Edition story that had the latest news on the Octomom. As you know, she’s an unemployed single mom living on food stamps who intentionally used in vitro fertilization to get pregnant and have eight kids at once in addition to the six she already had.
After that, she made a pornographic movie and became a stripper, and, according to the Inside Edition story, now she’s become a counselor. I think that is a great thing because now maybe she can talk to her clients and help them to get their lives in order, and maybe she’ll be able to offer them some good insights into how they can start making the right choices.
When I heard Octomom had become a counselor, it hit me that you really don’t need any certifications or licenses to be a counselor, or to hand out advice to people seeking solutions and answers; and I also realized that, you know, I have a column in the newspaper and am just as capable as the Octomom when it comes to giving out advice. So I thought that, this week, I’d go ahead and try my hand at it. So here goes …
I love your column and I want to thank you for all the advice you’ve given people over the years, and I also wanted to ask your advice for myself. Here is my situation. I’m a woman who hasn’t dated much in my life. Men don’t seem to be drawn to me even though my friends always tell me that my ears and nose “bring a lot of character” to my face. The good news is that I’ve finally met a man who says he loves me and he has asked me to marry him. Since I haven’t dated a lot in life, I wanted to ask your advice.
We are madly in love, but here’s the problem: He is sometimes sweet to me, but when he drinks (which is just about all day every day to be honest about it) he is very, very mean to me, and he shouts and breaks things and says the most hurtful things you can imagine.
He’s also terrible to my family and my friends and goes ballistic if I ever see them or talk to them, and he’s run up a great deal of debt on my credit cards and is insisting I apply for more.
I got so upset the other day that I told him I was considering not going through with the wedding. The next morning he took my hand and looked deeply in my eyes and told me he was sorry and promised he would change. I told him that he has promised to change many, many times before and I had trouble believing him. A few minutes later that day, he was rip-roaring drunk again and as violent as ever. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t go through with the marriage.
Scott, please tell me what I should do. I’m really torn. I go back and forth all day long. On the one hand, I hate the way he treats me, but, on the other, I love him and he has promised to change. Scott, what should I do?
Confused in Kernersville
You may not realize it, but the answer to your dilemma is contained in your question. You say everything that needs to be said in three simple words: “I love him.” That is all that matters.
As you point out, there are problems, but all relationships have rough patches. Plus, the big thing you are missing is that these problems you have before marriage will not be around once you two get married. The wedding will solve most of if not all of the problems you mention: The whole reason to get married, in fact, is that that way you can change him up close. After you are married, you can be right there with him all the time, keeping him from drinking and getting into other trouble. The reason you haven’t been able to change him in the past is simply that you haven’t been with him 24/7 as you will be in a marriage. Think about it – of course you’re having trouble changing him when he is in and out of the house and constantly coming and going. Trust me, once you have him around all the time, living with you in a committed relationship, your efforts to change him should work like a charm.
I always tell people this: “Don’t marry the person they are – marry the person they can be after you change them.”
If, for some reason, you do get married and he still refuses to change, there’s another quick fix that will certainly do the job: Have a baby with him.
Nothing helps eliminate stress from a marriage like having a wonderful newborn around with all the joy that he or she brings. If even that doesn’t make him change, just keep having more children. With every additional child, the likelihood of him coming around increases.
My question also has to do with marriage. I’m a man getting up there in age and I own a large business and make a great deal of money. Despite my financial success, I haven’t done particularly well with women over the years. Until now that is! Finally! I have met this wonderful girl who loves me like crazy. Sure she’s a little younger than me but, as they say, age is just a number.
The first time I saw her, it was love at first sight. She was so beautiful and had a radiant smile. At first, I was too nervous to go up and talk to her but finally I got up the nerve to take out a twenty and ask her for a lap dance. I kept coming back to see her night after night and she never seemed to care much for me, but then she got fired from her job, and I think that really caused her to do some soul searching because that’s when she realized she was in love with me.
Now I’m thinking about popping the question. Scott, she is so pretty. Not to mention she has a beautiful name with a real ring to it, “Champagne.” See how it kind of rolls off the lips.
After she fell in love with me, she began coming over to my house a lot and I knew from the start that she is really into me because there were several times when I walked into the room unexpectedly and I saw her looking through my wallet. At first I was confused but then I figured out that she was looking for clues to see whether or not I was marriage material – and I guess she’s now realized that I am because we have talked about tying the knot.
She says the only way she will do it is if I sign an unconditional prenuptial agreement that gives her everything I own if the marriage ends. I could really use some advice right now.
Wondering in Whitsett
I am surprised you are even writing me. Here you have lucked out and found the love of your life who has shown you unconditional love – and how have you repaid her? In return for her devotion you are showing her distrust? If you two are in love, and it clearly sounds like you are, then your marriage will last through anything so it doesn’t matter one hill of beans what some piece of paper says.
Relax. Take a breath. Enjoy your good fortune for a change. Marriage is about love, not money. Sign whatever she wants you to sign, and for goodness’ sakes, stop worrying about things that will never come to pass and start living your new life together happily ever after.
I know people usually write to you about relationship issues, but I was wondering if you could help me with a problem of a different sort. I’m very forgetful and usually that doesn’t matter too much, but one place where it drives me crazy is when I try to use my debit card at the store or the bank. I can never remember my PIN and every time I step up to the machine, boom, I am just standing there with a line forming behind me while I try to think of it. Any ideas?
Absent-minded in Archdale
Sometimes the best solutions are the simplest ones. Trust me – I hear you. I used to have this same problem all the time, but then I came up with a great handy solution that helped me and will no doubt help you as well. Let me tell you what I do. I just get a piece of tape and put it on the back of my debit card and write on it, “Remember, the PIN for this card is 8243,” or whatever the number is.
This same trick, by the way, also works for your iPhone if you have to keep it locked due to a large amount of sensitive data on the phone and you can never remember your passcode. Anyway, this trick has worked great for me. You’re welcome!
Hey, you know what? This is kind of fun! I may switch from writing an ordinary column to writing an advice column full time. So if you have any questions you need me to answer, please send them in and I’ll be perfectly willing to give everyone some more excellent advice.